Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

I dunno if it works but it’s kept me from eating today.

First spend all your money on stuff you can’t afford, like computer repairs and grad school.  Then eat everything good in your pantry except the giant bag of rice and ramen.  Then choose not to eat rather than eat fucking rice and ramen again.

Ta da!

I need cheering.  And few people on this planet can make me laugh like the great catcher in the wry, Bob Uecker.  (Can we PLEASE bring back Mr. Belvedere?!?)  Here’s some awesome quotes from the Hall of Fame announcer:

• "In
  1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in
  the Bigs."
• "People
  don’t know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with
  hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."
• "A
  doctor told me to drink lemon juice after a hot bath. But I have never finished
  the bath." 
• "I
  had slumps that lasted into the winter."
• "I
  set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even
  get printed."
• "Career
  highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got
  out of a rundown against the Mets."
• "I
  remember one time I’m batting against the Dodgers in Milwaukee. They lead, 2 -
  1, it’s the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two out and the pitcher has a
  full count on me. I look over to the Dodger dugout and they’re all in street
  clothes."
• "When
  I looked at the third base coach, he turned his back on me."
• "Sporting
  goods companies pay me not to endorse their products."
• "I
  didn’t get a lot of awards as a player. But they did have a Bob Uecker Day Off
  for me once in Philly."
• "One
  time, I got pulled over at 4 a.m. I was fined $75 for being intoxicated and
  $400 for being with the Phillies."
• "I
  signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time
  because he didn’t have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it
  up."
• "The
  biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That
  happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really
  showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game.
  Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off.
  Gosh, I was proud."
• "Sure,
  women sportswriters look when they’re in the clubhouse. Read their stories. How
  else do you explain a capital letter in the middle of a word?"
• "I
  led the league in ‘Go get ‘em next time.’"
• "I
  knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no
  picture."
• "Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of Old-Timers games and I
  haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me.
  Just like old times."

As I watch Dastardly & Muttley at 5 AM in an attempt to fall asleep, I have to say something that is so obvious that I don’t think it’s ever been stated this way: Muttley’s a DICK!

I am so friggin bored right now.  I can’t handle it.  Anyone need anything knitted or crocheted?

I keep seeing those commercials for what looks to be a horrific remake of The Omen, and I realized that if Damien was my kid, I’d be real pissed about the amount we’d have to spend on baboon traps and replacing nannies.  I love that the amount of imagination it took to cast Pete Postlethwaite as a creepy priest took about the same amount of imagination it took to cast Tony Danza as an Italian guy from New York named Tony.

If they really want to scare people, they should remake Battlefield Earth.