Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

What do you call a Klansman smoking a joint?  A high-ku! 

After receiving a Haiku chain message from Ms. Janie on MySpace, I
realized it’s been almost a year since I amused y’all with self-pitying
self-deprecating haiku, so here we go. I’m supposed to be working on a paper, so
please read this since it’s procrastination at its worst.  This post will be updated if y’all send me some, so send me some!

Love is in the air.
My heart thrives on the spring scents.
Or did I just fart?

I remember them,
How they made me feel so cool.
Members Only rules.

Sooki, sooki, girl.
You know you got it gon’ on.
You make my pants tight.

I am not a fly.
I am a lonely human.
Be very afraid.

Terrorists in Spain
Have put down their guns at last
We need siestas…

The world truly sucks,
Bugs you and me non-stop, but
We will always rule.

Write your own haiku.
Recommend being Asian.
Smarr penis required.

I might have given the impression that I’d stop posting these napkins.  Not bloody likely.

It says "breath" instead of "breathe" on purpose, in case you thought I was supid.

Lastly, he’s a good man…

I’m the oldest male child on my mom’s side of the grand
family. Due to some recent
developments, I’ve been taking some heat as the oldest for not leading the
procreation trend. People in Korea are
having so many babies that Americans can’t adopt them fast enough, but the Kang
family? We ain’t exactly in a hurry to
pump out the little ones.

And so I think back on Eun Joo, that crazy ass hottie Korean
girl who asked me if I would be interested in marrying her so she could stay
in the US. What if? What if I said, why the fuck not? What if we got hitched and moved to New
Jersey and had some little Teds running around cursing a blue streak and
flipping off old ladies? What if she turned out to be a complete psycho and
then jacked me for all my money? What
if she sapped and impurified all of my precious bodily fluids? What if I managed to end up truly
happy? The best way for me to not
regret is to assume that I would have been completely miserable. Then again, being completely miserable with
her might be better than what I have now.

(This is a photo of my future wedding on the left.)
But would the apparent happiness I would have provided my
entire family be worth making a bad decision? Probably not, but I have to admit that doubt is there. Am I happy enough now to say that having a
life with a beautiful and exciting woman is not what I wanted? Did anyone actually see that Nicholas Cage
movie where he wakes up one day with a wife and kids? Don’t you hate people who just list question after question?

Regrets, I’ve had a few. In fact, I have a huge fucking list of regrets. Right now, the biggest is that my man sauce
has gone wasted and continues to not fulfill its purpose.

I’m gonna hit a sperm bank next week and I’ll cross it off
the list.

I know what you’re thinking.  "Ted hasn’t seriously blogged in a while, this better be frigging worth it."  Well it ain’t and it never was. 

Sorry, I just don’t have much to say lately.  It’s been very tough for me, having to study sexual harassment cases when I haven’t properly harassed a woman for what seems like ages.

I do have one more napkin though…

A toast to my sister, who will be moving to the other side
of the country in a month’s time:

To Sohyun:

who doesn’t mind that I called her Soy Sauce for two
decades;

who made Seung Ho cry in high school when he wouldn’t stop
punching me;

who along with my mom put me in a dress at the age of 9;

who got me into enough Broadway shows for free to gag a
homosexual;

who still hugs me every time I tell her that she smells;

who is petite enough to pick up and literally put between me
and my parents;

who loves karaoke as much as me but won’t admit it;

who calls me “Beary” and "Eskimo Baby" even though I’m a 31 year old man;

who always roots for me;

and who, above all else, is a die hard Mets fan;

Cheers, sista Soy-jah. I’m gonna miss you and still plan to bug you daily.

Everyone else, call your family and tell them you love
them. Or at least call the ones you
actually love.

This had to be shared.  It was made by some dude named Glengary Glen Brad.  When’s the X-Men musical coming out?

I know this is supposed to be a blog-blog, not a visual blog, but I really haven’t had much to say so I’ll repeat what I usually say and show you more pretty pictures: Bush sucks, women are insane, I’m depressed, war is started by men with small penises.

First, here is a doctored photo of me Funkified.  I went to the P-Funk concert this weekend and I’m still numb.  And I’m still a bit…funky.  Of course, due credit to Brian Diaz for taken these two shots of me while we were both drunk, and credit to Chris Barnes for giving me that funked up hat.

And of course, more coffee stain artwork.  Note the double stain this time.

(Sorry, I saw The Hills Have Eyes last night…)

Ever get the feeling I might be better off not going to class?

Since I haven’t had much to say lately, here’s some coffee stained napkins I doodled on in class:

This first one is just a Smiley face but is also an homage to Smiley from class who never stops smiling.

Next up is Meatwad. 

Lastly, this one’s by Natalie expressing to me what you’re all clearly thinking.  Her nausea was from me getting her into trouble in class for the umpteenth time.

I haven’t been posting cus both my computers died. I’m on Eric’s machine now and I used to like Macs but I’m now convined that they blow, mostly because that apple key fucks me up. But I got something to say today.

Those who know me know that I am a Lost nut. I watch and rewatch every episode religiously and study everything they reference. So here is my overall theory of what’s going on on the island. I hope it’s somewhat more cohesive than Dwight’s (http://blogs.nbc.com/office/archives/archive_2006-w02.html).

Here goes: You know the numbers? These no one has found any mathematical relationship between these numbers, though I hardly think 6 is enough to figure out a complicated series. It had been noted that each of the 6 numbers is a number that has been retired by the Yankees. (Gehrig 4, Berra 8, Munson 15, Ford 16, Mattingly 23 and Robinson 42) These numbers add up to 108, which is incidentally the number that the ticker resets to whenever they press the button. There are also 108 stitches on an official MLB baseball.

So the basic theory is that Steinbrenner met with a kooky Australian psychic who told him that their franchise would die out after losing too many titles to the Red Sox, mainly because of their two star future Hall of Fame players, Walt and Aaron. Steinbrenner took on a second identity, a scientist named Hanzo, and created the Dharma initiative to get these two kids on an island and keep them from ever playing baseball.

The monstrous black electromagnetic cloud is the soul of Billy Martin trying to destroy the island to get back at Steinbrenner for firing and rehiring him four times. Three Dharma hatches have been found (the Desmond hatch, the tailies hatch and the most recent medical hatch. The fourth contains the Donald Trump clone who only knows two words, and I’m sure you can guess what they are.

As for the relationship between all the characters, Sawyer eating at Kate’s mom’s diner, Sayid being on Kate’s dad’s TV, Sayid being interrogated by Kate’s dad, Jack being there when Shannon’s dad died, Hurley on Jin and Sun’s TV, all of that is the work of Billy Martin from the afterlife. Steinbrenner was only concerned with Walt and Aaron. Once he knew Walt would be on that plane, he contacted the psychic, who had made contact with Claire and started this whole plan, to put Claire on that same plane. Martin, on the other hand, got badasses like Sawyer and Eko on the plane so that they can help screw with the Dharma plans.

Finally, I would like to address the “Others”. These are Yankee employees. Come on, you think someone who’ll hire A-Rod and Big Unit is gonna hesitate to hire Ethan and that Swamp Thing guy? They, as well as the costs for electric power, are on Steinbrenner’s payroll and the reason why the Yankees can’t stay under cap and suffered a $60 million loss last year. I can’t wait to see the Others dance YMCA like the Yankees groundskeepers do.

Oh, and the French chick is just fucking nuts.

Ta da! You have no reason to watch this show anymore.