Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

I’m up late doing schoolwork this Sunday night/Monday morning and I’m questioning my sanity.  Did I or did I not just see an army of clowns singing YMCA in the Olympics closing ceremonies?!?

My roommate and hetero life-mate Brian has said on a few
occasions that among all his dude friends, I am both the straightest and the
gayest. He backs it up with some
nonsense about how I love musical theater and sports more than anyone else, but
I think it’s all in my love of figure skating. Actually Brian’s right. Combine
my fanatic love of sports, musical theater and jailbait, and you get me, a creepy
figure skating fan.

Sadly, I don’t know the difference between a flip, an axel,
a salchow, a toe loop or a lutz. Apparently it’s like what direction you spin in and what foot you take
off of. I dunno. I can’t even skate straight. It’s slippery and shit. But I love this damn sport. I miss Robin Cousins and his back
flips. He was like a gay Hugh
Jackman. (Why does that sound
redundant? I know Hugh’s straight…  Dude needs to stop hosting the Tonys.)

It started with Dorothy Hamill. A cutie with her bob haircut, and I liked that she had the same
name as the star of Star Wars. Then
came Katerina… Ah, Katerina. She did Carmen. And then Bad. And then
Arliss? Hachi machi, she was friggin
hot. She can camel my axel any day. After Katerina, there was Debi, Rudi (who
has kinda lost favor with me after his comments about the limpness of
Plushenko’s wrist), Paul Wylie, Kristi and even Tonya. (Never liked Michelle. Don’t ask.)

So I was surprised as anyone else when the creepily intense
Japanese girl won. Though Sasha’s
sassy, she’s a choker and I didn’t expect her to win. Slutty, my affectionate pet name for Slutskaya, is not a choker. And I loved her pants look in the short
program. But she sucked! Sigh. I guess the Japanese can have it, but damn you Americans! Don’t get my hopes up like that! And what was up with the old Italian
lady? I gotta admit, that Arakawa girl
was extremely graceful and by the time it ended, I was totally in love with her
and her huge schnoz. She was so
dope. Yeah, I taped it and watched it
again. Fuck you. Don’t judge. I don’t plan to rebroadcast it without express written
permission.

Why do the new medals look like CDRs? And where is the Women’s US Curling Team
swimsuit calendar???

These last two posts have been reeeally gay so let’s talk baseball.  I’m sick of all the articles about how Giambi’s back in the flow and ready to have a good year.  Fuck him and his tiny testicles.  We know you juiced up, so get as smug as you want, you will always be remembered as a cheater.  Thank God Barry’s finally quitting.  The less he threatens Hank’s records, the better I’ll feel about him being a twat.  My Mets look primed.  (Has there ever been in any sport a creepier mascot?)  When people from outside NYC find out I’m a Mets fan, they talk to me like I’m mentally retarded.  "Do you need help cheering?  Those are pea-nuts.  You have to o-pen them."  It’s actually nice being a Mets fan.  You don’t expect much and you don’t get much.  It’s a mutually comfortable situation and I don’t see any reason to mess with that.  I just thank God I’m not from Cleveland.

I’m not a cross dresser.  I haven’t worn a dress in like three years.  But I did wear heels and a wig on New Year’s.  I blame Soju.  And the flourless chocolate cake.  You know how you can spot sluts from like a mile away?

I have no thoughts today except this one: Forrest Gump is
retarded. Life would be like a box of
chocolates if I, and many women I know, didn’t have the entire Godiva catalog
memorized.  We know exactly what is in what.

I am moving this blog. I’m sorry all my friendster pals get those “Tedly has updated his blog”
messages and once I have my blogger site all nice and snappy, I’ll be moving.  I’m thinking of calling it "If a blog had wings…"

Here’s my responses to another one of these mass emaily things. I left out the last section cus I was too
old to answer it:

SECTION 1
1. Been cheated on?: Yes. And it blew.
2. Fallen off the bed?: Yes. And it blew.
3. Broken someone’s heart?: Not that I know of. If I
did, I apologize.
4. Had your heart broken?: Yeah, I just told you I got cheated on, asshole.
5. Had a dream come true?: Just that dream where I wander through a directionless life.
6. Done something you regret?: Constantly.

SECTION 2 : CURRENTLY
1. Wearing?: Ball gag, handcuffs, and a butt plug.
2. Like anyone?: I like people in general.
3. Taken?: Constantly. Criminals call me "mark".
4. Have any piercings?: In my duodenum. It’s fine
now.
6. Do You Ever Smoke?: Depends on what is inside the paper.
7. Tattoos?: No but I have a freckle on my schmeckle.

SECTION 3 : LAST PERSON YOU..
1. Hugged?: My pillow girlfriend Nadia.
2. IMed?:  Gael! AKA Fish Taco. Also the last person who filled out this
form.
3. Talked on the phone to?: My sister.
4. Yelled at?: Myself.

SECTION 4 : PERSONAL
1. What do you want to be when you finish
school?: Rich and unemployed.
2. What has been the best day of your life?: I have no idea…And now I’m very worried that
I cannot pinpoint the best day of my life. Is that bad?
3. What comes first in your life?: The New York Mets.
4. What are you most scared of?: Rejection.
5. What do you usually think about before you go to
bed?: How Nadia is
so unresponsive, especially compared to living human girls.
6. Did you lose someone you really loved?: My puppy, but we found her a few hours later
hiding under the porch.
7. Love your family?: To death. But I fucking
hate them.

SECTION 5 : FAVORITE
1. Movie: No
answer to that. If I HAD to pick one:
Zardoz starring Sean Connery.
2. Song: No
anwser to that neither. If I HAD to
pick one: Mama’s Gotta Die Tonight by Body Count.
3. Ice Cream Flavor: Butter pecan.
4. Fruit: Strawrbraries.
5. Candy: Crunchies.
6. Day of the Week: Wednesday, ‘Lost’ and ‘South Park‘ and ‘Drawn Together‘ night.
7. Color: Black. I wear black on the outside cus black is how I feel on the inside… Just kidding. Black is slimming.

SECTION 6 : DO YOU
1. Like to give hugs?: Creepily.
2. Like to walk in the rain?: Love to.
3. Prefer black or blue pens?: Black. Cus black is beautiful.
4. Like to travel?: When I can afford to.
5. Sleep on your side?:  Depends who’s in it.
6. Have a goldfish?: No. I hate when things die in my
house.
7. Ever have the falling dream? Not once since I skydived…
8. Have stuffed animals? Two, but nothing creepy or weird. My mom made one of them for me, and the other is for luring
children to my bedroom when I’m out of candy.

I learned some stats about dating from the Daily News that
tripped me out. (No thanks at all to the various research firms who did all the hard work
to tell us something that tells us nothing.)

• 47% of singles have not had a first date in the past year.
• More than half of single folks are not happy about being
  single.
• 85% of people say they have no problem meeting others.
• 61% say they don’t take the initiative to ask that person
  out.
• 28% of Internet daters are happy with the experience. The other 72%’s bodies have not yet been
  identified.
• 43% of suitors Google their prospective mates. Creepy!  Thank God there’s a famous computer programmer named Ted Kim.
• 11% of those polled would date their bosses. Nice.
• 66% of women go for guys in jeans over guys in suits. 100% of NYC women offer more compliments
  when their dude is dressed up than when he is in jeans, and you all know it.
• 75% of women buy new underwear for a date. Very nice.
• Over 50% of men change their sheets before a date. Considering some of the stats below, that’s
  a wasted effort. I suggest you use that time to wash your ass instead.
• 80% of dentists recommend Trident.
• 29% of men check for belly button lint before a date.
• 58% say coffee is the best first date venue.
• 35% like boozing for the first date. Ladies, give me a call.
• 35% prefers dinner for a real get-to-know-a-person date.
• In LA, a first date averages $100. Crazy mofos. They own
  cars and shit.
• 56% of men say that a girl who knocks boots with them on the
  first date is fun but not wife material. But we will not say no.
• 63% of men are not looking for boonda on a first date. But we will not say no.
• 37% of men and 100% of OCD men think first date sex is
  always risky. But we will not say no.
• 65% of women think first date fornication is a “bad idea”. No means no.
• American women average 5.5 dates before giving it up. Does that mean I can ask for sex halfway
  through the sixth date?
• The British women’s average is 4.4 dates. Nice. Teddy likey accents.
• 70% of Brits said first date banging is fine and could lead
  to something long term. That’s it. I’m fucking moving.

A nice little Valentine’s tale for today: I was walking back from the bank and there was an old lady who had trouble getting over the brown river of melted snow so I offered my hand and she jumped across.  She landed awkwardly in my arms and I inadvertently copped a feel.  Lovely.  The only action I get today is with an old lady with a cane.

Happy Valentine’s Day, motherfuckers.
 

The party was a huge success and I thank all of you for
trekking out to Queens in the blizzard. And I apologize to those who had trouble getting home. With luck you were numb enough not to
care. I personally enjoyed myself quite
a bit and learned some things:

• My skinny pants rock.
• 5 hours of dance music doesn’t cut it at our parties.
• William Hung is not fun.
• Crazy Stallion malt liquor is not a beer chaser.
• Women are even harsher cockblockers than men.
• Once Farrah starts humping you, it’s best to just let her
  finish.
• I know a lot of very attractive women.  Gotta stop making friends with women.
• Hangovers hurt more when it’s fucking freezing.
• I love the smell of Pantene’d hair.
• I really do have more to offer this planet than just my
  penis.

I think the party did something to my ego and I think I’m
ready to dive in head first and go meet some fucked up women. Whaddaya think? Look out, shiksas.  There’s a mad Korean on the loose, and he got a big knob. (For a Korean.)

3.  This is one of my favorite blogs.  I visit every weekday cus I have no job and no life.

2.  I’m in one of these scenes.  Watch them all to find out which.  These were directed by one of my two overtalented roommates, Eric Trenkamp.  Watch it often.  Send it to all your friends.  Reminisce about it when you’re on your deathbed.

1.  Come to the party.  Watch me get fall down drunk, fail at wooing women, and then put on a violin recital that will make Mozart rise from the dead and hump my leg.

Remember when this blog used to be fun? Sorry, kids. Daddy’s just going through a rough patch right now. Now leave daddy alone. He needs his medicine.

I had this weird moment of clarity last night in HR
class. I’d been wrapped up in the mess
of the relationships in my life and I haven’t really been looking around and
enjoying the scenery. I just took a
look around at my 80% female classmates and thought “It’s a smorgasbord!” (If any dudes from Zicklin read this, take
HR!) It felt good to be a base male
again. And then I felt guilty, but
whatever, I feel guilty all the time anyway. (And now I hope none of those girlies checks out this site.)

I’m gonna confess something weird. I’m kinda gay for Heath Ledger. (Sorry, Alan Cumming! You’ve
been replaced until I go see Threepenny Opera.) It’s not like I wanna be his Jake Gyllenhaal, but it’s more like
a friend crush, like I wanna be his Wot from A Knight’s Tale, if you know what
I mean. Joe to his Ned Kelly. Which is why I still haven’t gone to see
Brokeback Mountain. I fear being
uncomfortable. Or jealous. Does that make me a homophobe? Or does that make me gay? Urh?

Speaking of gay, has anyone else been watching #1
Single? The show where Lisa Loeb is
looking for a mate in NYC? If you
haven’t, I highly suggest it. E!
Network, Sunday nights at 10. First of
all, she needs to read this blog and learn the Ted-math about how it works. She’ll find one non-anus in the fourth
season, but then he’ll turn out to be a deadbeat dad. I’ve watched like two episodes and I’m so surprised she hasn’t
physically attacked any of them yet. Strange dudes. Guys, do any of
you criticize women on the first date? I don’t, because I think it’s rude to criticize someone you barely know
but mostly because I fear reciprocity. These guys listed shit they don’t like so far in the date. And one dude was using her to promote his
book. And he didn’t get his ass
kicked! I know she’s small, but it’s
her show so it’s not like he’d fight back. All it takes is a kickin pair of boots, girl.

Why am I watching #1 Single? Lisa’s quite cute. (And
is her ex-boyrfriend gay? I don’t have
a perfect gaydar but can I get a what what?) But mostly it’s the joy of watching someone do worse at this shit than I
do. It’s like watching a lost child in
a mall who takes a few steps in one direction, then a few steps in another
direction, then another, each time almost crying. I fear for her. I have
the best hopes for her, and yet I can’t help but watch with baited breath waiting
to cheer and clap my pork rind stained hands together when she makes another
rookie mistake. Ah, schadenfreude. Yummy and warm in the tummy. Like daddy’s medicine.

Since my life is devoid of nicotine and sex and I’m having a bad fucking case of the Tuesdays, here are my Top 10 Songs To Hang Yourself To. (Someone called me a masochist today for denying myself nicotine when I ain’t getting sex.  Luckily, I’ve started dripping candle wax on my nerps to compensate.)  I’d love to provide LINKS (nudge) for copies
of these songs to y’all but that’s ‘ILLEGAL’ (wink) and everyone who visits this site knows that
I do not engage in any ‘ILLEGAL’ activities (twitch). That’s your story. Stick to
it:

10. American Pie (Don McLean) – Not necessarily
a depressing song but it was always the last dance at Nerd
Camp. I attended there during the years
I was going through puberty. It brings
back memories of the end of summer when I had hope and thought I could be someone and
believed in love. (This song
goes hand in hand with Alphaville’s Forever Young.)

9. In Liverpool (Suzanne Vega) – Another in a long line of
strange Vega tunes that can be interpreted in any way the listener
pleases. “And the boy in the belfry,
he’s crazy, he’s throwing himself down from the top of the tower. Like a hunchback in heaven he’s ringing the
bells in the church for the last half an hour.” That’s me, dude.

8. Separate Ways (Journey) – I once saw a dude
in Connecticut sing this one karaoke in tune, full voice. I was put to karaoke shame… Journey rules. If you don’t know this song, how did you end
up at this silly ass blog?

7. Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want (The Smiths) – If you know
this song and it doesn’t get you down, you don’t drink nearly enough.  Morrissey is so damn melodramatic.

6. Fuck Her Gently (Tenacious D) – This song doesn’t depress me,
but this list certainly does. Just needed
to cleanse the palate. A little
Tenacious D never hurt anyone. “I’m not
gonna cook it but I’ll order it from ZANZIBAR!”

5. Pale Blue
Eyes (Velvet Underground) – Leave it to Reed to write yet another song whose
sole intention is to depress people. I
love the violin solo. And it has one of
my favorite lines ever: “The fact that you are married only proves you’re my
best friend. And it’s truly truly a
sin.”

4. Catch (The Cure) – There was bound to be a Cure song here
somewhere. But not this one. This just makes me think of all the ones
that got away and how new ones remind you of old ones.

3. And the Band Player Waltzing Matilda (Joan
Baez, written by Eric Bogle) – I dust this one off every time I need
inspiration to start cutting myself to block out the voices. This song is so ridiculously depressing
about a soldier who is sent to war and returns. I’m not a big Baez fan but this song captured everything that’s
great about her music. “And the young
people ask ‘What are they marching for?’ and I ask myself the same question.”

2. Fields of Gold (Eva Cassidy) – I know what
you’re thinking: Isn’t that a Sting song? Yes, it’s a Sting song and he wrote
it in his continuing lame-ass years, but Eva reinterpreted the song, and it has
unfortunately ended up in some shitty programming like Dawson’s Creek. (How do I know that?) Eva’s death at a young age makes this song
even worse. Listen very carefully to
the lyrics at the end of this one.

1. Expecting to Fly (Neil Young/Buffalo Springfield) – Bigfoot does it again in this
beautiful song from his Buffalo Springfield years that totally sucks. “All the years we’d spent with feeling ended
with a cry.”

Strangely, this list did not include any songs by Wham! or Dido. I’ll try to rectify
that next time.

There you have it folks!  The first (and most likely last) Korean Superbowl MVP: HINES WARD!!!  I think it’s just gravy that the year I featured the man in my blog, he wins the MVP. 

Just so y’all know, the tattoo on his arm is a Mickey Mouse in a Heisman pose with Hines’ name written above it in Korean.  He said about it: "I got [the tattoo] in high school.  Mickey Mouse symbolizes fun. You never see
him sad, and that’s how I approach life. When things are bad, I smile
sometimes. People tease me about it, but that’s my approach — a happy
guy playing football."

Talk about a great fucking life philosophy…