Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

Astoria, Queens.  Apparently the City is dragging its feet regarding noise pollution laws, and you know why?  It’s because this city will not be happy until I take the life of Celine Dion. 

We live on Steinway Street, which is one of the main streets around here with all shops and stuff.  I’m cool with that.  What I am not cool with is the blasting of the worst selection of Christmas music ever, all friggin day long.  From the moment I wake up, I have to listen to Celine (O Holy Night), Destiny’s Child (that bells song), Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmas Time, and many other songs I never want to know the titles of.  Sadly, they include Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth on there and that’s one of my all time favorites.  If Jesus hadn’t already died for my sins, I would be driven to kill him.  (How’s that for a catch 22?  Will he forgive me for killing him?  If I didn’t kill him, he wouldn’t be able to forgive me…  I think Judas knew all about that loophole.)  And if you’re religious, sorry for saying I’d kill Jesus.  He’s a righteous dude (in a non-Mel Gibson way), even though he can’t hit a curveball.  Maybe I’ll just kill Santa instead.

I don’t want to get into politics, but they’re rediscussing abortion in New Hampshire.  What the hell for?  Once again, I believe in total equality between men and women (so you gals need to start opening some doors for US), and if we do indeed try to enforce controls over women’s bodies, shouldn’t they do the same to us dudes?  For example, if a woman has no control over her uterus, that means we should lose control of our nads (not like we have much control over them).  By that rationale, anything that comes out of Mr. Peeps should be regulated by the government.  Which means peeing regulations as well as masturbatory regulations. I would hate having that job.  But then where does it end?  Will they be able to regulate how often I pluck my salt and pepper nutsack?  Do I need permission before I scratch or adjust?  Would smoking cigarettes with fiberglass that kills sperm be an act of terrorism?  And then they’d make us all wear cups since our marbles would belong to the government.  Keep your laws off my coin purse!!!

And what about post ops?  Just cus my friend Chanel (used to be Charles) doesn’t have a uterus, doesn’t that make her more free than most other women?

I still believe that abortion is misconceived.  The breeders want us to think that it has to do with preservation of life and yada yada.  I personally believe that the conservatives want us to raise an army of Christian boys to defeat the communists.  Those pinkos will never give up and they need to be dealt with.  Viva capitalism!

Stan Berenstain, who wrote those awesome Berenstain Bears books about the jewish bears, died.  Stephen Colbert is wrong.  Bears rule and should be left alone, except by hunters who seem to die and shoot each other more often than they successfully kill bears. 

It’s after 5 AM and I’m done studying but my heart is still racing from the coffee and Mountain Dew.  So why not post some more nonsense?  I hope I’m succeeding in my goal to entertain people with boring jobs. 

• My bud Nate and I were IMing last night about how to label our appendices for our project and I remembered that regular numbers like 1, 2, 3 are called Arabic numbers.  Nate, who just got back from Mississippi, responded "Terrorist numbers!"  How awesome would it be if we went so far as to go back to Roman numerals in support of the war against terror?  "I ate II orders of freedom fries and you know each fry has more than CD calories.  Now I feel like I have IV ass cheeks.  The real crime is that they only cost XCIX cents."  And of course, when the martyrs go to heaven, they are rewarded with LXXII virgins.
• The Mets signed Billy Wagner!  I know that’s not amusing in any way but
  it’s hilarious if you imagine him not getting any save opportunities cus the Mets just have a way of always sucking, and yet he’ll still get paid over $1 million a year.
• I know I’m thinking too far ahead but I thought of a great Halloween costume for me for next year: Ms. Swan.
• I have many GT’s.  GT’s is the term I use for gay tendencies.  Like my irrepressible need to sing along to every single broadcast of the Rent commercial.  And my love for the comedy stylings of Mario Cantone.  But I hate Cher’s music.
• With regard to my last post, wouldn’t you expect that after all those years as a super in Reseda, Miyagi would have learned some proper grammar?
• Late night TV is scary, mostly because I think too many girls have gone wild and we may have an outbreak on our hands.
• I get to watch Lost on Wednesday because my Ethics class was canceled due to a death in my professor’s family.  Is it wrong that I had a little party in my head when I heard the news?  I’m an asshole and will go to hell.  At least I won’t have to wait on line with you people.

I have so much to say and yet, not much new to say…

Item 1: This weekend
Andy Coop (a.k.a. Anderson Cooper, who my sister claims is her new finacee)
showed a special on North Korea. It was
possibly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Starving people die on the street, kids
cross over to China to make money and food for their families only to have to
return home to the same hell, and people and their families are killed for
defacing photos of Kim Jong Il. I have
not yet let a week go by since Bush became president without calling him a
dick. That, my friends, is
freedom. Cherish it. No, North Korea is not in the axis of evil,
cus axis implies cooperation with the others, but it is a sick state. If I had Oprah’s money, I’d put a huge
bounty on that mofo Kim Jong Il’s head. Anyway, you
should see the report if they reshow it. It focuses on these “revolutionaries” who have videotaped the insanity in North Korea, smuggled them out to China, and posted them on the
Internet. I love technology. I don’t know what that Unabomber dude was
complaining about.

Item 2: I’ve
developed a habit of swaddling myself in my blanket. Is that weird? I like it
because I feel warmer but I don’t think a dude in his 30’s should be wrapping
himself up in a blanket cocoon. I fear
there’s a weird psychological thing to that kind of behavior. Maybe I just need someone to swaddle with,
and I ain’t talking ‘bout Jesus.

Item 3: I dream a
lot when I visit my folks in Jersey. I
had a dream about a woman standing on my parents’ balcony wrapped in a blanket
and I wanted to go up to her and enjoy the air with her but I remembered that
she hated me. How is it that even the
faceless women in my dreams hate me? I
guess I shouldn’t have said her ass looked chunky wrapped up in that blanket.

Item 4: One of my
heroes, Pat “Noriyuki” Morita died this weekend. For those who don’t know who he is, he’s the great actor/comedian
who played Mr. Miyagi in the four Karate Kid movies. (Four wasn’t enough.) He was also Arnold, the Asian cook, in Happy
Days. One of the reasons he’s so
important to me is that when I was a kid, he was the only Asian I saw on TV
other than Kaity Tong, back when she was on ABC. It was totally racist cus he worked in the back cooking while the
Fonz and Ritchie and Potsy got into whatever water-skiing trouble they got
into, kinda like that black cop on Days of Our Lives who seems to be the only
cop who works. Totally awful, but
still, Morita was awesome on that show. I should just be happy they didn’t make him do the laundry too.  (Like they would’ve allowed an Asian to touch their food in the
50’s. Not bloody likely.) The main reason I love Pat Morita is the
Karate Kid movies. In the words of Matt
Dillon’s character from There’s Something About Mary: “I wish they made movies
like they used to. Classics, like the
Karate Kid or Harold and Maude.” Other movies of
his you may not remember him from: Midway, The Shakiest Gun in the West (second
best Don Knotts movie EVER), Big Bird in Japan, and
Honeymoon in Vegas. (By
the way, anyone else see that movie Collision Course he made with Jay
Leno? With all due respect to the late
Mr. Morita, I think it’s unfair that people say that From Justin to Kelly is
the worst movie ever.) He also appeared in
episodes of Love American Style, Sanford and Son, the Odd Couple, MASH, and Welcome
Back Kotter.

Yoda sucks. Here are
some Miyagi-isms to get you through the day:

• First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel San,
  not mine.
• Man walk on road. Walk left side, safe. Walk right side,
  safe. Walk down middle, sooner or later, get squished
• For man with no forgiveness in heart, life worse punishment
  than death.
• Lies only become true if person choose to believe.
• Because sometimes, what heart know, head forget.
• If karate used defend plastic metal trophy, karate no mean
  nothing.
• Ambition without knowledge is like a boat on dry land.
• Never trust spiritual leader who doesn’t dance.
• Hope confusion end soon, Daniel-san. Miyagi heart empty
  without you.

Tennis announcer Mary Carillo was asked if there was a
female equivalent of the word “emasculate”. After a long pause she said “No. They’ll just have to get over it.” Damn good answer.

But in my constant efforts to level the playing
field, I plan to introduce the word “de-uterize” into my vocabulary. For instance, “By constantly referring to
women as ‘dude’, I am de-uterizing them.” That’s quite fun. “Charlene
realized that her de-uterization began when her parents dressed her in pants.” Wait… That only works the other way… "President Bush hopes to de-uterize the supreme court and take away their power to let men know every little thing that is wrong with them."  One last one: “Harold, why do you always have to de-uterize me in front
of our friends?!?"

As we approach Thanksgiving, I think of all the things I’m
thankful for… Ummm… Uh… I’m thankful for Comedy Central and Adult Swim. Can’t think of much else… I’m thankful for reduced tuition. I’m thankful for free music downloads, my
hottie prof, my roommate Brian’s Playstation, fantasy sports and every other
distraction in my life, because if it was school and nothing else, I’d be a
bigger alcoholic than I am now. And of
course, duh, I am very thankful for alcohol! More specifically, a shout out to my best friends James Beam, Jack D,
The Captain, and especially Colt. (Any sommelier worth the
title will tell you that ‘45 was a very good year.)

Isn’t that hilarious?  That turkey getting his nads pecked at by that bird?

Have a lovely Thanksgiving, folks.  And when you’re bloated with food and dozing off watching Home Alone, think about this: The Indians did NOT serve curry at the first Thanksgiving.  Isn’t it ironic that we killed their families and all their buffalo and now we’re outsourcing work to them?

I got nothing funny to say today, except that I believe the children are our future.  Don’t fuck it up, Hillary Duff!

Have you ever had an epiphany?  I always figured it was something that happened when people got too drunk and thought they realized something but it wasn’t important enough to remember through the next morning’s hangover.  Well here’s the retarded epiphany I had last night:

I idealize women.  Ain’t nothing new about that.  Every woman.  Every single woman in my life, and that means every single one of them will end up disappointing me.  For those who have been following my Tim Canterbury-esque thing with that woman, you know that I idealize her now above all others, even though I’ll probably never see her again.  If you haven’t followed that particular epic poem, let’s just say that despite my best efforts, she tossed me aside like I was her other kidney, nice to have around just in case, but completely unnecessary. 

Where does this psychosis stem from?  Why the hell did I choose her or vice versa?  Those who know me well will understand all too well.  First, I must mention the first thing that attracted me to her were her eyes.  I love lovely eyes.  They were a bit wrinkled around the edges and somtimes tired looking, but they got me.  Now I know why they got me more than others’. 

Ever see Brazil?  It’s one of my favorite movies of all time and it is probably why I cry when I watch Office Space and why I always wanted to be a revolutionary/heating engineer.  In the movie, Jonathan Pryce dreams of a girl floating around in the sky, even though in reality (of the movie) she looks nothing like that.  My girl had the eyes of the dream girl.  Has.  Whatever.  It’s even worse because in the movie, Pryce also idealizes this woman, but to the extent that he feels her freedom will bring about his own freedom.  How’s that for depressing mind association?  So not only do I idealize her just cus I do, but now she has that image of a beautiful dream woman floating in mid-air calling my name and waiting to make my life better…  (For those who have seen the movie, what scares me most about this connection is the ending.)

Greeeat.  It’s like Dan Akroyd said in Tommy Boy when Chris Farley explains that he smells like pine trees because he rubbed himself up with a car air freshener: "Good, you’ve pinpointed it, now the next step is washin’ it out."

On a less depressing note, I read newspapers for the sole purpose of searching for signs of the apocalypse.  It turns out Bush fired the Amtrack president for not instuting changes as fast as he wanted.  Now I’m all for train travel, mostly because it’s cheap and you can carry all sorts of contraband without a care.  But check out this quote: "New York’s Democratic Senators Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer were joined by Senator Trent Lott in criticizing the firing."  I don’t know all the ins and outs of this issue but these three being on the same side of an argument is like the Klan suddenly deciding that they need to adhere to affirmative action laws. 

Lord help us all.  Next thing you know, Zell Miller will be a Democrat.

Now the answer to the question: What do Hillary Duff, Brazil and Zell Miller have in common?  I can’t watch any of them without hitting something.

I’ve been a big fan of Hines Ward for a few years now.  For those of you who couldn’t give half a crap about football, Hines is a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers and he’s one of the best.  The thing I love most about him is that he looks like the happiest man who ever stepped onto a pro football field on a Sunday afternoon and loves nothing more than getting pummeled by a bunch of 250 pound linebackers.  The guy loves the game and loves to play, despite the image he gained from his holdout for a raise a few years ago. 

Now I’m not one of these dudes who will support Koreans just cus they’re Korean, as there are many many Koreans who I would just love to throttle (Margaret Cho, you’re on watch!), I just learned that Hines is Korean!  Well, an American born in Korea; he’s half Korean, half black.  I’m guessing his dad was stationed in Korea?  Nevertheless it makes me happy to learn that his name is not only Hines, it’s also Hah-een-seu. 

On another note, I rarely miss having a job but I received an email that made me wish I had a job so I could waste time answering it:
—————————–
Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay here’s what… YADA YADA YADA

1. What is your full name? 
Theodore "Sickly Spice" Kim.

2. What color pants are you wearing? 
Not wearing pants. 

3. What are you listening to right now?   
For the last time, I DO NOT LISTEN TO DIDO!!!!

4. What was the last thing you ate?
Blimpie hot roast beef sandwich, and that’s not a euphemism.

5. Do you wish on stars? 
Only when I’m lying on grass.  And I don’t mean "prevaricating while high".

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? 
East Asian Yellow.

7. How is the weather right now?
Chilly.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? 
That monotonous voice mail lady.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? 
Quite a bit.

10. How old are you today?   
31.  And you’re not supposed to ask a lady.

11. Favorite drink? 
Cliquot, baby!

12. Favorite sport? 
Baseball.  But if you’re my friend and don’t know that, go die.

13. What color is your Hair? 
Black, but I have a salt and pepper nutsack.

14. Do you wear contacts? 
Nope.

15. Siblings?
Big sista.

16. Favorite month? 
None.  The whole year sucks.  But if I had to pick one, whichever one has all those Jewish holidays that gives me days off and absent bosses.

17. Favorite food? 
Chicken wings.  Plain, spicy, bbq, it’s all good.  Throw in beer and a game on the tube and I’m quite happy.

18. What was the last movie you saw? 
Star Wars III (4th viewing)

19. Favorite Day of the Year? 
St. Patrick’s day.  Cus I neither feel nor remember it.

20. What do you do to vent anger? 
Play Star Wars Battlefront for the sole purpose of exterminating Ewoks.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child? 
My Charlie Bear, who I still have, but he’s stitched up like Frankenbear.

22. Summer or winter? 
Winter.  (NYC only.)

23. Hugs or kisses? 
Kisses with just the right amount of tongue.

24. Chocolate or vanilla? 
White girls.

25. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
Not always.

26. Who is most likely to respond? 
The ones I pay off to be my friends.

27. Who is least likely to respond? 
The ones I piss off on purpose.

28. When was the last time you cried? 
I think it was after a rough week and I watched Wings of Desire.  Or Office Space.  (If you have a shitty job and you watch Office Space, you WILL cry.)

29. What is under your bed? 
Last week’s newspapers, my stanky unmentionables, and a dead prostitute. 

30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? 
Hyong Yoal Rim, who is apparently known as Jay Rim now.  I know him as Dung-Yul, which I know he loves.

31. What did you do last night? 
Voted, went to school, came back home, ate dinner, watched TV, did some homework.  That’s my alibi and I’m sticking to it.  Why?  What did Eric tell you?!? 

32. What are you afraid of? 
Prostate cancer and bees.

33. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? 
Crunch’n'Munch.

34. Favorite car?   
A choice of any of the vehicles built by the A-team in less than half an hour.

35. Favorite flower? 
Cannabis sativa.

36. Number of keys on your key ring?
5 and a bottle opener.

37. How many years at your current job? 
No job, suckas!

38. Favorite day of the week? 
During football season, Sunday.  The rest of the year, it’s Saturday.

39. What did you do for your last birthday? 
Drank.

40. How many states have you lived in?
5, inlcuding Korea, but not including my current state of disillusionment.

41. How many cities have you lived in? 
6

42.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? 
A woodchuck that does not chuck wood is just a chuck.  But since the question includes the fact that it would chuck wood, my confusion comes from a lack of time frame.  So I’d say 2.657 pounds/hour without taking any breaks by an average aged and sized woodchuck in average environmental conditions.

Everyone should do the same.  From 6 AM Saturday morning until 6 AM Monday morning, TVLand is showing a What’s Happening marathon.  (Which God did I please?!?)  I admit that in my youth, I seriuosly tried to model my personal character to be more like Rog, Dwayne and Rerun (Rog’s brains, Dwayne’s retardedness, Rerun’s dancing abilities).  I must also mention that I tried my best to learn sass from Shirley and Dee.  It will never get as good as this show, unless you count Out of This World’s short lived run.  Where have all the sitcoms gone?

Nevertheless, I strongly suggest you fill up your fridge with Colt 45s and Subway sandwiches and stay up for 48 hours.

I gotta go buy videotapes…