Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

That last post was a HUGE downer.  So cleanse the palate here: http://www.generalzod.net/.  The funniest damn web site I’ve seen in a long time.  God bless Eric for leading me to a site that completely changes my view of life on planet Houston.

On Tuesday evening, I was in Astoria, Queens walking home
from class with my friend. On the
sidewalk just outside the subway entrance was a woman in her 40’s laying on the
ground having a seizure. Having seen a
few epileptic seizures in my life, I immediately recognized it and stopped and
joined the few passers-by who were gathered around. Immediately I collected my thoughts on everything I knew about
epileptic seizures and told others to turn her on her side so she wouldn’t
choke. I checked her wrist, as my
friend Steve who has epilepsy has a bracelet with instruction on how to handle
a seizure, but she had none. The
strange part was that she was bleeding from her mouth, nose and head. I assumed from the giant bleeding bump on
her forehead that she fell face forward when the seizure hit and bumped her
head on the concrete, giving her a concussion, which led to the bleeding from
her nose and mouth. I took out the pack
of tissues from my pocket and tried my best to clean away the blood from her
mouth and nose without actually touching it, as I have learned it’s best to be
careful around strangers’ blood from watching endless episodes of ‘Cops’. But I could tell she was breathing. The seizure ended and the police and
ambulance later showed up, though a little later than I was comfortable
with. And then I continued on to the
pub with my buddy to have dinner and beer and to watch the Mets come back from
a two run deficit to beat the Phillies.

[A very personal paragraph was removed because I have no idea why I shared it with so many people.]

So in comparison, I wonder why I am so troubled by Tuesday’s
situation. I stopped out of genuine
concern for this individual, which I assume was others’ reasons for
stopping. I helped in the minor ways
that I could, but I also feel like I could have done more. Or did I just want everyone else to do more?

Was it that nurse who stopped by (she said she was a nurse),
just looked at the victim and left? Was
it the absence of a medical bracelet, which I am assuming she didn’t have due
to a lack of health insurance? Which
may be why she had the seizure in the first place, as I assume epilepsy
medicine is as ridiculously priced as other medicines. Or was it that despite having seen seizures
and knowing that epilepsy if common, I’ve never seen someone bleed from one and
never knew that such harm could come from something that happens to so many
people? Was it that the young lady who
called 911 had to spell out “Steinway Street”, one of the largest streets in
Queens, to the 911 operator? Or was it that
she was on the phone for 8 minutes before she spoke to an EMT who could help? Or was it that the neighborhood beat cops
took over 10 minutes to show, which was even before the ambulance showed
up? Or was it that it looks to me that
our city’s policies have our valuable police force spending their hours writing
parking tickets and randomly searching backpacks instead of doing more “serving
and protecting”? Was it that I did not
know this woman’s name or if there were any kids relying on her, and that I was
concerned, but not that concerned? Was
it that seeing her eyes rolled up inside her head reminded me of Paul’s
lifeless eyes? Or is it guilt, because
the moment help arrived I continued to the pub with my friend and had a beer
and watched baseball?

I think the main reason I’m troubled is because if any of my
loved ones (or even me) were in that situation, I would want those who can help
to do all they can. I would want the
police and ambulance to arrive in a timely fashion. I would want the 911 operator to know where specific locations
are and for an EMT to pick up the line immediately to give instructions. I would want any passers-by who know
anything about medicine to offer what help they could.

Basically, I would want the planet to open up and cradle
them and take care of them until someone else can. And I know it won’t. And
I worry.

I hope that woman’s ok.

I start school again tomorrow.  My first day of full-time business school.  I’m watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High to get motivated to be less like Rat and Spiccoli and be more like Phoebe Cates: friggin’ hot.  By the way, am I a cheeseball if I love Jackson Browne’s "Somebody’s Baby"?

I’m 31 years old.  I ain’t no ‘tard as far as social interaction is concerned.  But I gotta ask, is it weird that I worry about my social interactions with new people?  Does this urge to be "cool Ted" to new acquaintances ever end?  I don’t think it will, cus I’m a Leo and therefore, I’m the king of the jungle and if you aint’ listening to my roars, my lioness is gonna tear your throat out.  Except I don’t have a lioness.  Ain’t that a biai-ee-eye-oh-cht.  But when I get that lioness, she’s gonna beat yo’ bitch ass.  And mine.

I have to send a shout out to my firend Lisa Plotkin who provided the MacAllan’s that I am faced on right now.  Now that is a women who knows what a single man needs: a strong drink.  Bless you.  And bless this MacAllan fellow…

I’ve been slightly depressed lately.  It’s that time of year.  I keep seeing this event on TV that reminds of that girl.  You know the one, that girl that you measure all the others against.  And you know what?  She can kiss my ass.  My big pale liberal Bill Clinton ass.  I pray to God, and I know he’ll answer this one, that I meet someone who makes her seem like nothing special.  But damn, I wish she’d just exit my brain like that alien parasite that creates zombies.  All it takes is a gunshot to the head.  Braaaaaaaaain…

Is that the booze talking?  And am I bad if every time I see the "BIG HAIRY PUSSY" on the mirror in Fast Times, I laugh out loud?  Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?  If you eat pop rocks, drink coke, chug baking soda, drink vinegar, snort coke and rub gunpowder into your gums and smoke a cigarette, will you explode?  Or just hurl?

I had two fantasy football drafts in the past two weeks.  And I think I’m retarded for getting so excited about them and how I can’t wait for the football season to begin even though the Mets are actually in the wild card race for the first time in a long time and showing signs of life?  That’s like asking if it’s retarded if I get excited about the one thing irrelevant to my life despite the fact that some other irrelevant thing is happening?  If a tree fell in the woods and it clapped one hand, would it make some weird sound?  I think it would sound like "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Fucking hell!  Motherfucker fucking fuck!  My hand!!!" 

Ted needs another drink.  And yes, I am referring to myself in the third person like Ricky Henderson.  And let me tell you, Ted Kim is going to be the best damn Ted Kim that he can be and Ted KIm will make sure that Ted Kim does what Ted Kim can and more to bring Ted Kim’s team to the playoffs.  And if you leave a message for Ted Kim after the beep, Ted Kim will get back to you as soon as Ted Kim is available.

When people ask me what animal I would be if I could be one, I always choose the panda.  Damn, those dudes look chill.  Even when they get moved to some pen to mate, it don’t faze them.  "Hell bro, I’ll knock up this girl panda.  Just make sure I get my bamboo.  Ling Ling can by my baby mama any day."  What does that say about me?  Is this the anti-Leo in me breaking through?  Who would win a fight between a lion and a panda?

I heart Jenniger Jason Leigh, even though her middle name is manly.  I saw her in Cabaret and she was so good she made Liza Minelli seem even worse than she is, a feat which seemed quite impossible.

Do you think Yao Ming is better at math than, say, Billy Bob Thornton?  I’m thinking dumbest famous Asian compared to the smartest mountain bred white man.

Ooh…  Pheobe Cates topless scene coming up, which is sadly the same scene as the Judge Reinhold mastrubation scene.  With that, and all due respect to Kevin Kline (nice one, dude), I bid you good night.

"I come to help you with your math homework."

I miss Madeleine Albright.

Could it be cus Condaleeza is as diplomatic as a kick in the gonads?  Could it be cus I’m hard up?  You figure it out.

And just one rhetorical question, as I am up at 1:30 in the morning slightly faced watching Fox Sports: Do they ever show men’s beach volleyball?  Not that I WANT to see it.  I just never seen it.

Once again, I’m up at insane hours jacked up on caffeine and studying and asking ridiculous questions:

• Why do the muppets inspire me so?  The Magic Store from the Muppet Movie is what initially got me into performing.  It captures the magic of performing so well.  I also like tough blonde girls with big butts…  I’ll never find anyone like Piggy though. 
• It’s been several years since I’ve had a serious breakdown.  What up with that shit? 
• Since Bruce Lee disowned Jeet Kune Do with the theory that every individual has their own perfect fighting style, could Jerome Robbins been the grand master of the West Side Story style?  Cus that would suck to get your ass kicked by a dancer in tights, snapping and pirouetting.
• If Soylent Green was really people, did they put a bunch of green dye in it or is there soy or something in it?  And if Soylent Green is people, it means Soylent Green should have the right to bear arms.
• If Superman can turn back time, how come he won’t undo Superman IV: The Quest for Peace?
• If a frog had wings, I believe he would still bump his ass ahoppin’. 
• If pigs could fly, would they wallow? 
• If I’m crazy, how come I’m seeing shit?
• If I’m so smart, how come I keep jabbing myself in the eye with the earpiece of my glasses?  Answer that one, Einstein.
• If Einstein was so smart, why is the constant "c" lowercase?  Relative, my ass.
• If I’m so smart, how come I’m convinced that I can put my pants on two legs at a time despite constant failure at the feat? 
• And where did that giant bruise on my head come from?
• If you’re so smart, how come you’re reading this crap?  Get a job.

Yeah, I have mental problems, multiple personality disorder, tourette’s syndrome and mommy issues, but I merely meant that I have the flu.  And I’m all high on the ‘Tussin.  And I’m thinking…

• Does God have eyebrows?  Cus I’d bet he’d be very expressive with them, since he probably wouldn’t be all that sarcastic, despite his actions in the old testament.
• Am I attracted to really pale women cus I’m also really pale and I’m narcissistic?
• Is it an oxymoron to be both narcissistic and self-destructive?
• Do Thai hookers taste as good as Thai food?
• Seinfeld is on 30 times a day.  Why won’t they show Get a Life?  Why won’t they show BJ and the Bear?  Where the hell is the Fall Guy?  And Simon and Simon?  And Mr. Belvedere?
• If Rob Schneider gets to keep making movies…  I have no idea how to end this.  What is the most horrible thing someone shouldn’t be allowed to do?  OK, if Rob Schneider gets to keep making movies (most of which I’ve actually watched), why can’t we let Paris Hilton be herself?
• Have nosebleeds ever been included as cases of stigmata?
• If ‘Tussin were illegal, would I take it on the weekends?
• If Peter Jennings hadn’t smoked, would he have sounded like Richard Simmons?
• What the hell was Ocean’s 12 about?  I watched it and have no idea what it was.  I understand it was supposed to be a movie.
• If the inflield fly rule exists in order to prevent the fake-out double play, why is it not an infield fly when there’s only one runner on first?
• And why doesn’t Bob Uecker have a show on ESPN?!?

Here’s my new favorite photo.  I call it: "Gael has a FANTASTIC personality."