Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

What the hell is succotash anyway?

Hey, y’all.  I’m a nerd again!  It feels really good.  I got straight A’s then went to celebrate by watching Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith.  I know I don’t need to say the whole title but I like to say it.  Like I like to say "Tootie", and "Saucisson", and "rectify".  Never went to a Star Wars or Sci Fi Con before though…  I worry that compared to those people, I’ll come off like a Hell’s Angel.

What do you do if life gives you what you want?  Are you supposed to grab it and say I ain’t never letting go?  Do you throw a party?  Do I take out a full page ad in the paper?  I’d like to be prepared in case I do get that one thing I’ve been after.  I’m sure once I’ll get it, I’ll take it for granted and start wanting everything else.  God, we’re stupid.  I’m gonna hire a marching band to stand by, just in case.

Here’s two awesome jokes my roommates and I’ve been enjoying all weekend:

• What the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?  Neil Armstrong WALKED on the moon, and Michael Jackson is a pedophile.
• What’s worse than losing your keys?  The holocaust.

I hope everyone had a nice looong weekend. 

I was just watching cartoons and realized that Gargamel is a "little person" (or for the un-PC like me, midget).  If Smurfs are three apples high, Garamel is a tiny man living in a tiny castle.  In fact, that Prince Yohan and Peewit and all those other people were all tiny too.  Azrael must’ve been huge!  He came up to Gargamel’s hip and was twice the height of any Smurf. 
It is 3:30 in the morning and I am supposedly up studying.  I have long missed that feeling of being completely jacked up on vitamins and caffeine in the middle of the night trying to memorize acronyms that exist for no reason other than laziness.  Does it really take that much more effort to say Request for Proposal than RFP?  Or have we realized that many people get paid lots of money to speak a professional language that most people don’t understand and we’re just trying to do that for ourselves?  Or should I have passed on that last questionably flavored coffee from the Papaya downstairs? 
Mmm…  Hot dogs.  I’d eat ‘em if I wasn’t about to hurl.

There’s this guy, I dunno if you’ve heard of him, but let’s call him El Diablo for dramatic effect, he pays idiots to drive by my window playing music so loud the car doesn’t need (or have room for) an engine.  El Diablo also pays the motorcycle drag racers to use my street.  He paid millions of hot girls to ignore me.  He’s also the guy who’s been keeping me from winning the Daily News Scratch’n'Match game.  He’s also the cause of world disasters which he creates with his nuclear weather changing machine.  And he not only takes candy from children, he takes them from old people too!  I will find El DIablo and destroy him with my mind and the sacred knife of Sardo Numspa.

I’m going to bed before I go to take my exam and leave for my quest to kill Gargamel.  Or whoever I said I was supposed to destroy a second ago…

Wish me luck, ya blog readin’ varmints.

Holy crap, what a weekend I got lined up. 
First there’s the first subway series of the season at Shea.  Of course I couldn’t get tickets but I’ll be sitting in front of the TV in jersey and hat mocking the Yankees for their W-ish spending habits.  If I had tickets, my sign would say "Yanks will go down Bellamy Road." 
Second, I got a big final on Monday.  Sketchy class, sketchy prof, sketchy exam.  Luckily, I’m fully confident in my ability to bullshit my way through the essay section. 
Third, I know that although I’m a broke student, I have hit the big time.  I have my very own homosexual hairdresser.  How cool is that?!?  He’s an awesome dude and a fellow musical theater nut and I’ll hopefully get my hair all prettied up for the weeks ahead.
Lastly, for those who know me, you know what I got lined up next week.  I can tell I’m a bit more grown up about this crap since I expect nothing but hope for everything.  I think I preferred it the other way when I expected the best and expected to always succeed, but this way is less stressful.  Actually, that’s how I’ve been handling school so that’s cool too.  Expect less but always strive for more.  Thus spake Confusious, aka me.
Have a great weekend.  And as you enjoy yourselves, think of me reading a boring ass textbook wondering why the hell I wanted an MBA in the first place, and chug a drink for me.

Two words: Ice Cold.

The other day I was watching a ballgame and noticed that there was a gorgeous orange sunset setting behind the Manhattan skyline I see out my window.  I shut off the TV, turned on Neil Young’s Harvest Moon and just watched the sun set.  It reminded of a different person I used to be.  That guy was a bit of a flake but I really liked him.  I wonder how he’s doing…

Let’s just say la vita e bella.  La vie est belle.  Life is friggin’ beautiful.  If I could dance a jig, I would. If the world did smile when I smiled, y’all’d be smiling like goofy bastards. If I could secrete my happiness through my pores via pheremones, I’d reak of joy. 

And with that said, let me share some of my favorite excerpts from a book that has been making me giggle ceaselessly.  It is a self help book called "You Are Worthless".  I warn you, if you’re not also in a good mood, this is actually quite harsh…

• Gee your life really sucks.
• You can buy all the soaps, perfumes and deodorants you want.  But rest asured, your body will still emit several very unpleasant odors.
• You’ve spent more time watching America’s Funniest Home Videos than you’ve spent reading Beckett.  That, I’m afraid, is a fact.
• The law of averages would suggest that at some point in your life, someone has referred to you as "that idiot".
• You are not contrinuting to the betterment of humanity.  In fact, you are a harbinger of the apocalypse.
• No one falls in love with a loser.  Get a clue.
• When you fall in love and get married and embark upon a life together, enjoy those first three or four years because that’s how long it will last.
• You are not very good in bed.
• Have you considered a life of prostitution?  As it is, you’re just going through the motions when you have sex.  You might as well be getting paid.
• I know this real pathetic loser who would be great for you.
• Your various exes probably got over you pretty easily.
• You are not particularly special.
• You are a little chunky.
• The world would have been no different if you have never been born.

And so on and so forth…

Enjoy the weather cus apparently, it ain’t gonna last.

It turns out it’s 168.  168 roads, but streets, avenues and drives also count.  And they have to be different.  Walking down the same street 168 times will not be enough for you to call a man a man.

Today, big Mitzvah, I am a man.  Woo hoo!  Can’t wait for pubes and for my balls to drop like it’s new year’s.  I’m making decisions with my life that no man wants to make but it’s a nice feeling knowing that I’m taking life by the horns and blowing a cool Charlie Parker tune.

How can I explain the joy I feel?  With a laundry list, of course!

1. Mets are winning.  Yanks are losing.  (And Bellamy Road lost.)  The Babe is now haunting Steinbrenner and all is right with the world.
2. I left my job.  It was a crappy job.  And because I’m already going to school, there’s no pressure for me to get work wherever I can get it.  I’m gonna find something right for me or just stick with school.  Mmm, that’s tasty false reasoning…
3. I cut things off with a girl I’ve been seeing.  Not that she wasn’t great, in fact I think we have a better relationship now (if email is a measure of this, which I’m sure it’s not), but it’s time for Ted the man to look for miss right instead of miss right-here-right-now-on-this-coffee-table.  Not that that other girls was miss right-here-right-now-on-this-coffee-table (in case she’s reading this), but I’m looking to the long term.  Which probably ends with this awesome picture: Me sitting in the kids’ wading pool in a Speedo with a cigar in my mouth and beer in hand listening to the Mets on the radio while reading a biography of Joe Garragiola Jr. and the kids shoot me with supersquirters.  Mmm, that’s scary foreshadowing…
4. This means nothing in terms of the real world we live in but both my fantasy baseball teams are kicking mucho asso. 
5. I’m going to a free Yanks game tonight.  Get to see my M’s at Yanquis Stadium and will be dressed in full Ichiro garb.  I hope I don’t get beat up…
6. And lastly, with regard to that first thing about a man becoming a man: I think I’ve learned a lot in the past few weeks about what’s important to me, what I want from my life, and how I’m gonna get it.  Without getting into too much detail: I’m gonna get it.  So don’t get in my way, just enjoy the show.

And for old time’s sake, I’ll end this post with a haiku (with Brady Bunch reference):

Life is beautiful.
The little things will show you.
It’s a sunshine day!