Eternal Sunset of The Spotty Mind

This will be the last post on this blog.  For anyone who reads this, thank you for sticking around.  Visit the new blog I’ll be writing for!  I haven’t posted anything yet, but I will try to get something up very soon.

And for my final number, I would like to present: THE THIRD ANNUAL HOUSEWARMING PARTY!!!  Come!  Bring beer!  I’m serious, BRING BEER.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye…

This blog is finally dying.  I’m taking over another blog, though I expect it’ll be more of the same nonsense.  I shall let you know more when it’s all set up.

But before I leave you, let me list off a few rants and notices:

• Con Ed can suck it.  It’s a monopoly and therefore illegal.  If they fail to provide power to Queens, where the hell are we supposed to get it?  I almost set up a Gilligan rig with my exercise bike.
• The MTA can also suck it.  Why the fuck does it take so long to get back to Queens after drinking in Manhattan?  Please take me home before I puke on the third rail.
• How do you replace IDs without other IDs?
• I’m old and cranky.  Now get off my fucking lawn, you whippersnappers.
• Third Annual Housewarming Party on the horizon.  Any donations from those who have loved our past parties is very welcome.

"Dumb twat" rhymes with "kumquat".

Andre Agassi lost to Rafael Nadal at the last Wimbledon he will ever play at.  Talk about a passing of the torch.  Nadal was 1 year old when Agassi made his Wimbledon debut.  Agassi friggin’ dominated for a while there, a lot like his wife did on teh women’s side.  His hairstyles (and non-hairstyles) will be missed.  But it’s gonna be fun seeing Nadal slowly break Federer’s spirit.  Can’t wait to see both those guys go bald too.

I’m sure Brooke Shields felt proud to be ex-Mrs. Agassi, which hopefully pissed off Tom Cruise.

Now let’s hear a cheer for my girl Michelle Wie to beat all the old hags tomorrow in the US Open.

I dunno if it works but it’s kept me from eating today.

First spend all your money on stuff you can’t afford, like computer repairs and grad school.  Then eat everything good in your pantry except the giant bag of rice and ramen.  Then choose not to eat rather than eat fucking rice and ramen again.

Ta da!

I need cheering.  And few people on this planet can make me laugh like the great catcher in the wry, Bob Uecker.  (Can we PLEASE bring back Mr. Belvedere?!?)  Here’s some awesome quotes from the Hall of Fame announcer:

• "In
  1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in
  the Bigs."
• "People
  don’t know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with
  hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."
• "A
  doctor told me to drink lemon juice after a hot bath. But I have never finished
  the bath." 
• "I
  had slumps that lasted into the winter."
• "I
  set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even
  get printed."
• "Career
  highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got
  out of a rundown against the Mets."
• "I
  remember one time I’m batting against the Dodgers in Milwaukee. They lead, 2 -
  1, it’s the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two out and the pitcher has a
  full count on me. I look over to the Dodger dugout and they’re all in street
  clothes."
• "When
  I looked at the third base coach, he turned his back on me."
• "Sporting
  goods companies pay me not to endorse their products."
• "I
  didn’t get a lot of awards as a player. But they did have a Bob Uecker Day Off
  for me once in Philly."
• "One
  time, I got pulled over at 4 a.m. I was fined $75 for being intoxicated and
  $400 for being with the Phillies."
• "I
  signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time
  because he didn’t have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it
  up."
• "The
  biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That
  happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game. He really
  showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game.
  Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off.
  Gosh, I was proud."
• "Sure,
  women sportswriters look when they’re in the clubhouse. Read their stories. How
  else do you explain a capital letter in the middle of a word?"
• "I
  led the league in ‘Go get ‘em next time.’"
• "I
  knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no
  picture."
• "Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of Old-Timers games and I
  haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me.
  Just like old times."

As I watch Dastardly & Muttley at 5 AM in an attempt to fall asleep, I have to say something that is so obvious that I don’t think it’s ever been stated this way: Muttley’s a DICK!

I am so friggin bored right now.  I can’t handle it.  Anyone need anything knitted or crocheted?

I keep seeing those commercials for what looks to be a horrific remake of The Omen, and I realized that if Damien was my kid, I’d be real pissed about the amount we’d have to spend on baboon traps and replacing nannies.  I love that the amount of imagination it took to cast Pete Postlethwaite as a creepy priest took about the same amount of imagination it took to cast Tony Danza as an Italian guy from New York named Tony.

If they really want to scare people, they should remake Battlefield Earth.

The Supreme Court is wasting it’s time and I really feel bad that these folks had to work so hard to get where they are and have to waste time dealing with silly issues instead of ignoring the undermining of our nation’s freedom, which is supposed to be their job.  (Aren’t you just dying to party with these freaks? —->)

First they had to deal with that silly Anna Nicole case, which is bullshit.  Their decision should have been simple: we give the dead horny old man’s money to education and you all can go get fucking jobs like normal people. 

So now, there’s a town in Long Island called North Hills, home to one of the nicest golf courses on the planet, Deepdale Country Club.  The mayor of the town wants to use eminent domain, the law that lets the government seize land in exchange for money for necessary things like schools and hospitals and fire stations, to take away that golf course.  His purpose is to make the club "public" for fee-paying members of the town. 

Now the funniest part of this is that not only are the members of the club some of the richest

melonfarmers (my new euphemism for motherfuckers) in the country (Tiki Barber, most notably), but the per capita income of that fucking town is over $100K.  One article brilliantly described this conflict as "the really rich versus the ridiculously rich".  So what we’re arguing about here is that rich elitist fuckers have to give up their respite from poor people so that other rich elitist fuckers can get away from poor people too.  Is this what laws were created for?  Can we not ask them to fight a Battle Royale to the death?  Then the last man standing gets to do whatever the fuck he wants with that land, but only after he’s eliminted the other selfish rich melonfarmers.

Here’s my personal solution: Yes, use eminent domain to seize the land.  Then build on it the largest community housing project on the planet.

This reminds me of a Mets promotion I saw on TV: Jeep Owners’ Appreciation Day, where folks who show up at the stadium in a Jeep get a free gift.  They might as well build the new stadium in Greenwich fucking Connecticut.  It’s a QUEENS TEAM, and I don’t think Jeep and the Mets realize that if we were driving Jeeps to the stadium, we’d probably be Yankee fans. 

This is also the logic behind Bush’s retarded tax cuts: give the privileged privileges.  I do have one question along these lines: if Social Security is privatized, and we are in fact investing our Social Security in stocks and racehorses, shouldn’t every person in the nation get monster tax breaks?  I want to put my retirement money in Enron and Global Crossing.  What??  They went belly under?  Then put it all on Barbaro to win!!!